Linen Sale

My favorite day of the year. In an undisclosed thrift store somewhere in the midwest, on a brisk February morning around 9 am, biddys will push their way through the doors to be the first in line for a cart. You had better get out of the way! Don't bring children to this sale or they will get run over. Crocheted lovelies lay stacked and folded, waiting to be pillaged. Quilts are neatly hung, only to be torn frantically from their hangers and tossed in carts. Hoarding is key to this sale. Grab anything you can off the racks and stow it in your cart (if you have been lucky enough to get one) and then rummage through the cart later to decide what you really want, and can afford. Use your elbows. Don't smile. Hitting with purses is allowed. When sorting: don't touch, or even look, at another biddy's stash.

This year a biddy fight broke out over a very special hand embroidered shawl, but nobody was significantly hurt in the scuffle. The incident took place because a n00b didn't know the sorting rules. Listen up: when sorting, a biddy is allowed to take over a couch or table and make a "yes", "no", and "maybe" pile, and no one else is allowed to touch any of the piles until the biddy is damn well ready to share. The n00b (wearing a kerchief, as if to blend in. biddy, please.) was told to,"Get back" after touching a shawl in the professional's "maybe" pile. This is simply not done, and the n00b was severely chastised by all.

I got several hundred pieces of handmade lace for my stash. No one dared come close to my piles 'cause I was lookin' extra fierce, and everybody knows I'm in the game.