Biddy Heart

Keepin' it real.

Baby Valenki

These baby valenki would certainly sell for several hundred dollars a pair if we were accounting for my time, expertise, and spot on design sense. Lucky the babe who knows a biddy I always say. Very old country. I think my little niece may get up and do a Ukrainian jig.

Linen Sale

My favorite day of the year. In an undisclosed thrift store somewhere in the midwest, on a brisk February morning around 9 am, biddys will push their way through the doors to be the first in line for a cart. You had better get out of the way! Don't bring children to this sale or they will get run over. Crocheted lovelies lay stacked and folded, waiting to be pillaged. Quilts are neatly hung, only to be torn frantically from their hangers and tossed in carts. Hoarding is key to this sale. Grab anything you can off the racks and stow it in your cart (if you have been lucky enough to get one) and then rummage through the cart later to decide what you really want, and can afford. Use your elbows. Don't smile. Hitting with purses is allowed. When sorting: don't touch, or even look, at another biddy's stash.

This year a biddy fight broke out over a very special hand embroidered shawl, but nobody was significantly hurt in the scuffle. The incident took place because a n00b didn't know the sorting rules. Listen up: when sorting, a biddy is allowed to take over a couch or table and make a "yes", "no", and "maybe" pile, and no one else is allowed to touch any of the piles until the biddy is damn well ready to share. The n00b (wearing a kerchief, as if to blend in. biddy, please.) was told to,"Get back" after touching a shawl in the professional's "maybe" pile. This is simply not done, and the n00b was severely chastised by all.

I got several hundred pieces of handmade lace for my stash. No one dared come close to my piles 'cause I was lookin' extra fierce, and everybody knows I'm in the game.

Linen Sale

Taking time to fold. Obviously a n00b.

Linen Sale

Hankie on the head lady.

Linen Sale

Bitch, step off before you get trampled.

Linen Sale

Face off.

Linen Sale

A white linen vampire.

Biddy Food

I am usually too busy to eat. A biddy got to choose what to do with her hands.

Sure, I know the racket. Growin', harvestin', cannin', pastry makin', bread kneadin'. I need not go on. I just don't eat my own gourmet. After a long day of sloggin' through the food mill you know what I want to do? That's right. Jog ten miles, pilate crunch, and feast on some felt cupcakes.

Anyone for a biddy bite?

Biddy Nightmare

The DIY movement makes me feel like all the high school dropouts suddenly decided to take home-ec and killed my teacher.

She was a master apron maker, you tards.

When am I going to wake up? I keep muttering something about finished seams, but the rest of the class is just laughing and smoking cigarettes while they knit.

Biddy Baby

My youngest is gettin' on my nerves today. Damn.

All those busy little craft blogs with smiling kids and clean houses. What the hell?

My one year old loses his mind every time I try to pick up my embroidery. Does this stop me from my fancy work? Hell no. But it also doesn't mean my five kids just sit around and play with their felt crafts for goodness sake. Who are we tryin' to fool?



I am trying to do a bit of stitchin' and guess who's bitchin'?

If you can get over the tantrum, try and focus on the nice braided rug in the background, or perhaps you might be distracted by the cuteness of the sad, snotty child's handknit sweater. That's what I do anyway.

Darn It

Yesterday I did some darning. Nothing more fun for a biddy than cleaning up her sock drawer. I have a darning egg, naturally, and many beautiful hand knit socks that need upkeep from time to time.

I have heard of people who simply toss their socks when they are holy, but this confuses me greatly. Socks take so long to make and such a short and pleasurable time to fix. To toss them seems hasty.