yobiddy

Biddy Traffic

2009-03-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

This bloggin' shit is harder than I thought. I got no problem tellin' people how it is, but how do I get the traffic? Ping my ass. I heard I gotta go and read other crafty blogs and tell them I like 'em (when I probably don't) and link with 'em and all that shit. That is just a whole hell of a lot of time. When am I gonna make lace? Indeed.

Are we crafty biddys or social gadflies? There's only so much time people. You can't make good shit and be spending all your time on the blogosphere.

Biddy Heart

2009-02-24T17:01:00.001-08:00

Keepin' it real.

Baby Valenki

2009-02-22T15:34:00.000-08:00

These baby valenki would certainly sell for several hundred dollars a pair if we were accounting for my time, expertise, and spot on design sense. Lucky the babe who knows a biddy I always say. Very old country. I think my little niece may get up and do a Ukrainian jig.

Linen Sale

2009-02-17T18:56:00.000-08:00

My favorite day of the year. In an undisclosed thrift store somewhere in the midwest, on a brisk February morning around 9 am, biddys will push their way through the doors to be the first in line for a cart. You had better get out of the way! Don't bring children to this sale or they will get run over. Crocheted lovelies lay stacked and folded, waiting to be pillaged. Quilts are neatly hung, only to be torn frantically from their hangers and tossed in carts. Hoarding is key to this sale. Grab anything you can off the racks and stow it in your cart (if you have been lucky enough to get one) and then rummage through the cart later to decide what you really want, and can afford. Use your elbows. Don't smile. Hitting with purses is allowed. When sorting: don't touch, or even look, at another biddy's stash.

This year a biddy fight broke out over a very special hand embroidered shawl, but nobody was significantly hurt in the scuffle. The incident took place because a n00b didn't know the sorting rules. Listen up: when sorting, a biddy is allowed to take over a couch or table and make a "yes", "no", and "maybe" pile, and no one else is allowed to touch any of the piles until the biddy is damn well ready to share. The n00b (wearing a kerchief, as if to blend in. biddy, please.) was told to,"Get back" after touching a shawl in the professional's "maybe" pile. This is simply not done, and the n00b was severely chastised by all.

I got several hundred pieces of handmade lace for my stash. No one dared come close to my piles 'cause I was lookin' extra fierce, and everybody knows I'm in the game.

Linen Sale

2009-02-17T18:49:00.000-08:00

Taking time to fold. Obviously a n00b.

Linen Sale

2009-02-17T18:42:00.000-08:00

Hankie on the head lady.

Linen Sale

2009-02-17T18:41:00.000-08:00

Bitch, step off before you get trampled.

Linen Sale

2009-02-17T18:37:00.000-08:00

Face off.

Linen Sale

2009-02-17T18:08:00.000-08:00

A white linen vampire.

Biddy Food

2009-02-12T09:13:00.000-08:00

I am usually too busy to eat. A biddy got to choose what to do with her hands.

Sure, I know the racket. Growin', harvestin', cannin', pastry makin', bread kneadin'. I need not go on. I just don't eat my own gourmet. After a long day of sloggin' through the food mill you know what I want to do? That's right. Jog ten miles, pilate crunch, and feast on some felt cupcakes.

Anyone for a biddy bite?

Biddy Nightmare

2009-02-04T05:57:00.000-08:00

The DIY movement makes me feel like all the high school dropouts suddenly decided to take home-ec and killed my teacher.

She was a master apron maker, you tards.

When am I going to wake up? I keep muttering something about finished seams, but the rest of the class is just laughing and smoking cigarettes while they knit.

Biddy Baby

2009-02-03T13:35:00.000-08:00

My youngest is gettin' on my nerves today. Damn.

All those busy little craft blogs with smiling kids and clean houses. What the hell?

My one year old loses his mind every time I try to pick up my embroidery. Does this stop me from my fancy work? Hell no. But it also doesn't mean my five kids just sit around and play with their felt crafts for goodness sake. Who are we tryin' to fool?

I am trying to do a bit of stitchin' and guess who's bitchin'?

If you can get over the tantrum, try and focus on the nice braided rug in the background, or perhaps you might be distracted by the cuteness of the sad, snotty child's handknit sweater. That's what I do anyway.

Darn It

2009-02-01T07:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I did some darning. Nothing more fun for a biddy than cleaning up her sock drawer. I have a darning egg, naturally, and many beautiful hand knit socks that need upkeep from time to time.

I have heard of people who simply toss their socks when they are holy, but this confuses me greatly. Socks take so long to make and such a short and pleasurable time to fix. To toss them seems hasty.

Biddy Boots

2009-01-28T06:27:00.001-08:00

Naturally I wear valenki -- a traditional felted wool boot with galoshis for wet wear. What's not to love? I make my own and get my rubbers at Farm and Fleet, but that's 'cause I'm a biddy and my friends from the old country have passed down their secrets to me.

Today I found this sexy image of a Russian beauty in her biddy boots. And now I shall go to find a pole to climb ... good winter exercise, no?

Wool Biddys

2009-01-27T14:08:00.000-08:00

Make it with wool contest! Most biddy excellent. heart heart.
Now I'm the first to admit that these biddys are not the most fashion forward group, but they know their wool from their poly damn it and that's somethin'. I heart them.
To those of you who think wool is too itchy -- I pity you.

Be a Winner With Wool.

Biddy Bus

2009-01-23T11:41:00.001-08:00

Now I will probably catch some heck for this biddy heart. As you know, generally this biddy frowns on hipster yarnbombing. Just for the record, I think the movement too cool for biddy school. But I love this bus.

I can't help myself. It is a dream on wheels (and taking the bus is so biddy). The knitta gangsta even thought to cozy up the headlights and put pom poms on the wheely do-dads. What an overwhelming array of granny blankets. I want to cry. I want to take a ride. Let me on.

Now this biddy is personally keeping her granny blankets in the cedar chest, but still . . .

Poly-wool Blends

2009-01-22T11:32:00.000-08:00

A true biddy can spot a poly-wool blend from a mile away.
It's just one of our many biddy talents.

Yes, we are wool snobs and proud of it! So if you want to test your biddy wooldar this season -- just go out for a stroll and count how many poly blend wool suits you can mock in one outing. It's just simple fun.

Political Glee

2009-01-20T08:42:00.000-08:00

Today is a very fine day. Why not cross-stitch your happy feelings like a true biddy?

Biddy Heart

2009-01-16T10:00:00.001-08:00

EQuilt that thang sister biddy.

Cold Feet

2009-01-15T12:28:00.000-08:00

It's so damn cold you need to bust out them cozy, cuddlefeet crochet patterns. Have a few pair by your door for when guests stop by. They only take a few hours to whip up and your caller's tootsies will be thankin' you.

It's just one excellent biddy way to show hospitality.

Quiltin' Bee

2009-01-12T17:47:00.000-08:00

That's right, biddy quiltin' bee! You feelin' the isolation -- just work it out with a few friendlies. Make sure that everyone knows how to quilt twelve and inch (naturally) and make sure it's your quilt gettin' worked on.

If you don't know ladies as fierce as this, tough titty for you.

Biddy Heart

2009-01-09T06:12:00.000-08:00

New Year's resolution -- I will try to show more support for all them biddys out there keepin' it real. I must stop being so negative (although you know a good biddy is basically glass empty, no?) Anyway, I could go on and on about all the crafty crazies in the world, but what about the good ones? They need love.

Nice apron makin' you beautiful biddy. I heart you.

Cut-work

2009-01-08T16:19:00.000-08:00

This time of year I always lose myself in a little cut-work. It's so damn hard I forget how much I hate January. There's no point goin' outside, so I just make holes in linen and hope I can control the unraveling.

Biddy Quillin'

2008-12-27T17:51:00.000-08:00

I just don't think people are taking the fine art of quilling seriously anymore.

Quilling has always stood for elegant hands, undeniable class, and leisure time. Barnyard buddies, indeed.

Smockin' It

2008-12-15T09:00:00.001-08:00

I don't believe I have previously mentioned this most important aspect of biddy aesthetics: you must know how to smock it. Shit is just better and fancier when you do. Aprons with smockin' are more biddilicious. Undergarments with bust smockin' are super nice. The best biddy fashion has some element of smockin' 'cause you know it shows off all our curves just right.

Holiday Fashion

2008-12-14T16:36:00.001-08:00

These biddys are certainly festive. Just look at the fine quality of their sweater sets. Have they hot glued felt reindeer and buttons on a sweatshirt? Hell no. Biddy fashion takes a bit more time (and an understanding of tapestry crochet, certainly), but in the end we can hold our heads high when we meet up with yet another machine quilted holiday vest.

Biddy Buttons

2008-12-11T19:09:00.001-08:00

So often I just get on this blog and brag my little ass off. I know. I know. It's just that I have the best collection of fancy buttons and I want you all to be jealous. Crocheted buttons. That's the thing. I'm not sure how many biddys still practice the art of button crochet, but surely not enough.

Project Runway

2008-12-10T06:29:00.001-08:00

Sorry, yobiddy hasn't posted for a bit cause she got obsessed with Project Runway.

That Tim Gunn. What a honey. When he says "make it work," I tell you what. That's what I do every single day. I think he might be my true love.

And damn. Some of them young drafters are pretty good. I can tell you that my skinny jeans pattern would kick all their little butts (and you know I can make a sexy ballgown), but they're on the right path -- I must give them some serious biddy props.

Of course, I finished several projects while watching Seasons 1, 2, and 3. I never watch the tube without a few project options within reach. And if my one year old tries to stop me, I just throw a serious fit and lock him out of the room. You know that t.v. is bad for kids.

Biddy Needles

2008-12-05T06:58:00.001-08:00

Waste not want not girls. You don't need to go stock up on toilet paper and sewing needles. A good biddy will keep her best needles for many years. I have a Sharp from 1963. Make your book and keep your needles straight. Needles might be cheap and easy now, but who knows what a recession economy might bring? If you have more than one book of needles, shame on you.

Biddy Rags

2008-12-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

Dish towels are the perfect gift. I don't know why anyone would think otherwise. I always have my ebay sniper software set to grab when a towel from Belarus comes up for sale. I have cornered the market on these little gems. Look at them all. Bet you wish you were on my Christmas list.

Biddy Poseur

2008-11-30T13:27:00.000-08:00

This Ukrainian babushka is a biddy poseur. It's sad, I know, but you can't judge a biddy by scarf alone.

What? Why? Sure, she's adorable, but she can't make a damn thing.
She's really nice and doesn't swear or grouch about.
She does have nice droopy jugs, that's certainly a plus, but body type alone does not make a true biddy.
Sure, she wears floral dresses, but no contrasting apron.
Constantly drinks coffee from a nappy cup. Can make a mean loaf of fluffy white bread. But lacks competitive drive and the tell tale biddy scowl.
Her wrinkles are smile wrinkles. Total poseur.

Biddy Motivation

2008-11-29T12:09:00.001-08:00

Some people are askin' me, "Biddy, what's your motivation?" I guess they want to know why I do the things I do. Why I keep my fingers movin' so fast? It's simple really.

I want to have more granny blankets than other people.

They're like candy. Look how pretty they are. Just look at them. And most of you all don't even have one. Or you spend your whole life just tryin' to finish one up. Not me. I got more than you do and it makes me damn happy.

Babushka Barbie

2008-11-25T12:19:00.000-08:00

This new babushka barbie helps young girls get in touch with their inner biddy. Some folks say the doll is just too perfect. How will those little innocents be able to keep up the perfect body and style while smiling and getting their bangs just right?

I say damn time these girls aimed high. It ain't easy to be a biddy, but if you start very young it's easier fo' sure. If they'd asked yours truly, I might have suggested a few accessories -- arms, knitting needles, an apron, some little biddy feet.

Norwegian Biddys

2008-11-24T06:11:00.001-08:00

A weekend of disappointing sales left Norwegian biddys wondering about the new recession economy. "Maybe we should have focused on low effort crafts this year like felting gnomes or rosemaling trivets," bitched one of the biddys. Another hardanger expert recalled how last year was pretty much the same result, "I think the younger generation just doesn't give a damn about their table presentation."

Biddy Pain

2008-11-23T16:10:00.001-08:00

That's right. Biddy had a little chronic pain moment this mornin'. You know I got me some problems with the tmj fibro migraine thing. No biggie.

When I get down I have a little secret. You got to push into the pain with what I like to call my french knot circuit. After a few hundred of those little knots your whole neck gets numb and you got a nicer pillow case to boot. Grit your teeth real good on each and every knot. That helps.

Biddy Quiz

2008-11-18T20:36:00.000-08:00

So many people are thinkin' they're a biddy just 'cause it's fashionable.
Take the quiz. Find out. Nothin' I can do about it.
Either you got it or you're not it.

Are you crafty? yes/no
Do you think glue guns are evil? yes/no
Do you finish shit up? yes/no
Do you look super stylish in your homemade fancies? yes/no
Do you wear a babushka? yes/no
Do you love to wear aprons? yes/no
Do you like to swear (at people, your children, or your stupid fucking craft project)? yes/no
Do you make lace? yes/no
Super judgemental? yes/no
Crash church potlucks? yes/no
Antique linen ebay sniper? yes/no
Little girls wanna be ya? yes/no

Count up your yes's. Anything less than ten and you can just forget about it. Get to work.

Tree Cozy

2008-11-18T20:16:00.000-08:00

Get off the ladder you crazy biddy. That tree ain't cold. shit. Where's your babushka?

Biddy Blankets

2008-11-17T05:59:00.000-08:00

Spent the weekend at a Project Linus fundraiser.

All I can say is that most of these ladies should just give money.

(Some of them didn't even finish their blankets. Maybe they thought nobody would notice their dropped stitches and acrylic yarn. This biddy was less than impressed. Some of the ladies just sat around talking and eating cake.)

I am going to start my own chapter. Biddy Blankets will be a more competitive organization. We'll see just how high our bpw (blankets per weekend) ratio can get if we don't allow talking or eating.

Booty Call

2008-11-14T05:42:00.001-08:00

If you don't know someone who is pregnant today, you will soon enough. Get to work.

Biddy Fail

2008-11-13T15:40:00.001-08:00

Have you had your metamucil today girls?

This here is an example of someone tryin' real hard to be a biddy (but missing the whole point entirely). damn.

What good biddy really wants to think about her insides?
You don't knit guts sweetie. You just don't.

Apple Biddy

2008-11-12T19:56:00.001-08:00

A fine fall craft for all you biddies out there.

Biddy Foot

2008-11-12T19:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes a biddy needs to get fancy.

Biddy Bailout

2008-11-11T05:58:00.001-08:00

Tough titty said the biddy when the milk went dry.

Biddy Style

2008-11-11T04:47:00.000-08:00

With a fine biddy kerchief you just can't go wrong.

Biddy Bed

2008-11-10T06:24:00.000-08:00

So many people wonderin' what biddy bedspread I use on my own bed.

Well, this is my lair. Just a little hexagon quilt I threw together a few years back, biddy style.

And remember, a biddy don't need a whole bunch of silly pillows. We can't get too comfortable.

My husband got a different bed of course.

Biddy Economy

2008-11-08T15:01:00.001-08:00

My husband just went and lost a whole bunch of money in the stock market. I better get to work. Lucky I put all my biddy craft money under the mattress.

One Day Sweater

2008-11-07T16:45:00.000-08:00

That's right. I made it. Obama got biddy style.

Biddy Kitty

2008-11-07T11:55:00.001-08:00

No I did.

Bobbin Biddy

2008-11-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

Bobbin Lace is so biddy. If you can't do it like me and my girls then you better work it out.

Biddy Politics

2008-11-07T10:46:00.000-08:00

I like Obama. That man needs some good sweaters. I'm getting to work.

Babushka Fantasy

2008-11-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

If you don't have a babushka fantasy why are you here? Just leave. You are no biddy.

Get Crafty

2008-11-06T11:05:00.000-08:00

What's up, you think you're crafty?

You're nothing compared to my biddy. I'm the best biddy you'll ever find. If you don't believe me you can check my skills.

I can tat. I can quilt. I can felt. I can applique. I make my own clothes. Don't even mention the spinnin' and the weavin'. I wear beautiful handmade aprons. Needle feltin'. Doll makin'. Smockin' it. French knots by the hundred thousand. I'm a lace maker -- the bobbin variety. An embroideress with style and sass. I can make my own socks and sweaters, braid rag-rugs and embellish linens with kids hangin' on both legs. It doesn't bother me.

Baby comin'? Crochet up some booties. It's what you do.

I'm a babushka rockstar.

I never leave an antique quilt behind. I just sniped the last three heirloom linens you were tryin' to get on ebay. I got a stash of feedsacks that you wouldn't believe.

I don't sit around and whine about how I can't ever finish my projects. Hell no. I'm a biddy. I finish that shit up. One proj at a time. Victorian style. I got five kids -- doesn't stop me from making my own undergarments. I don't buy a whole bunch of fabric and let it sit there. That's just shameful.

There just ain't that many biddys on the blog scene, so you're lucky to find me. I'm the real thing. If you want to know my secrets you'll have to keep comin' round.

I'm sick of all the glue gun scrap bookin' fakers out there. That ain't biddy craft.

So stick with yo biddy and we'll make it through. The last few years have been hard on those of us who know how to use a needle and thread. Shit. Some of us still spin and weave the damn cloth. We got to take it back. We got to talk about who got it right and who got it dead wrong. That's all.

Yeah, get crafty -- but do it biddy style.